An Open Letter to Marvel Comics

Publication of a new Deathlok mini for the "Marvel MAX" line is fast approaching. While my pleas and emails have, to my knowledge, most likely been ignored, now that I have a forum (a public forum) in which to point out a few things, I'm going to use it, in the hopes that anything you do to ruin "Deathlok the Destroyer" as American art can be quickly reversed. This is assuming that you didn't take any of the advice I provided (freely, only in the hopes that Deathlok wouldn't be ruined anymore than he already has). If you did take the advice, excellent, but dirty pool for not just sending a reply back to say, "hey, thanks Dwight, thanks for the insight." It's the little things, fellas, that keep us all sane in an insane business like comics. Professionals know this. Courtesy. Learn this idea. If you did ignore my advice, then all I can is, "fools," with a sad shake of my head.

Rather than bore my reading audience with details about my well-documented love for Deathlok the Destroyer/Luther Manning (ask Tyler Robards about this one, hey Tyler, where are my dishes?), and about my subsequent proposals to Marvel editorial over the years for a Deathlok revival of one sort or another. My first pre-dates the Dwayne MacDuffie rendition/travesty that occurred--Deathlok as pacifist family man, pshaw, what sane man would write such a thing? Deathlok is NOT a superhero, repeat, not a superhero, repeat again, not a superhero, repeat once more, Deathlok is not a superhero. Don't give him any trappings that make him a superhero, like a wife or a secret identity or that nonsense. He kicks tail with guns, as I've made sure to include in EVERY SINGLE PITCH I've sent to Marvel for the series. I'll skip write to the chase. These are the rules to follow for writing Deathlok.

And by rules I mean laws, and by laws I mean that if you don't follow these, then your Deathlok is just another clown in spandex throwing batarangs. And by batarangs I mean that as a metaphor for juggling balls, like the kind that clowns use when entertaining children. If you ignore these rules, as you have apparently ignored my missives, then your Deathlok will be a clown juggling clown balls at a clown party for children who like clowns. Granted, those metaphoric clown balls might be guns, and those metaphoric clowns are actually men in tights, so I guess it's better to say your new Deathlok will be a clown juggling guns at a party for kids who like men in tights who juggle clown balls juggled by cyborgs.

I did a pitch for Deathlok in 1997, if you'll remember, called "Deathlok: The Man of Iron." A sort of revamping of Deathlok, starting from the ground up, but using the original source material as a guide-post. The basic story? Best summed up in this line of marketing that I proposed. "Luther Manning returns from the grave, and he's going to shoot off his guns!" This is, of course, a prototypical metaphor for man's inhumanity, and his inability to resolve conflict without violence, vis-à-vis, explored through his need, desire, to shoot his weapons. This is not, as my ex-wife has claimed when I've read her these pitches over the phone, a metaphor (or my attempt at a metaphor) for sexual dysfunctions of a "premature" sort of nature. No, it's simpler than that, and at the same time more complicated. It's deeper, because it isn't about sex, it's about the guns and shooting them, but realizing in a metatextual way that shooting the guns isn't good, it's bad, but it's a good feeling to do that. And without the need for any cursing, either, that's important. But it's definitely not about sexual premature problems of any sort (not that I have any, despite what the skunk might say).

I'm off the subject, way off the subject, so let's just get to the rules, now.

1. Luther Manning is Deathlok. Anyone else that is Deathlok is actually Not Deathlok, and should be referred to this way. If Deathlok is reimagined as "Irving Schwartz" then another character should look at Not Deathlok and say, "That is Not Deathlok, that is Irving Schwartz." Good writers can do this subtley.

2. If Luther Manning is Not Deathlok, then by issue #3 he should be Deathlok again.

3. Deathlok is not a superhero. He has powers, he is unstoppable, he has enemies and he fights them. He has a uniform, not a spandex costume, and not a faux-uniform like "Ecchs-Men" or "Ex-Force" or my "Ex-Wife" who works at Burger King, but a uniform. These things do not make him a superhero. He's a sci-fi character. Learn the difference.

4. Crossovers with Howard the Duck are acceptable only if he shoots the duck.

5. Crossover with Marvel Proper characters should be considered "out of continuity" for Deathlok, and only moments up to issue #17 of the original series should be considered "in-continuity." If these moments occur, then they should be considered part of Not Deathlok continuity (as most of Deathlok appearances should be, and are considered, by both the recognized Deathlok fan community and anyone who is Not Insane).

6. Deathlok is not a superhero. I cannot emphasize this enough. Not Deathlok might be a superhero, but if Not Deathlok is a superhero, this is okay, because Not Deathlok is "not Deathlok", it's something else, which is Not Deathlok. This should be clear.

7. Deathlok will not swear, ever. Luther Manning was an Army Colonel, and a man of that rank would never swear on purpose. If he does, this is wrong, and should be immediately explained as a glitch in his programming, or as something done by someone that is Not Deathlok (see rule 6 for additional Not Deathlok explainations).

8. Deathlok does not wear tights. Not Deathlok can wear tights, but only because Not Deathlok is "not Deathlok."

Consider these rules as a vow of chastity of sorts, and follow them. They are important. Don't fall into that Garth "Penis Envy" Ennis trap of shooting your mouth off through your lead character while they shoot guns and swear swear swear. Real men don't swear. Clint Eastwood never swore once as the Man with No Name, and if he was the Man Named Deathlok, then he would never need to swear as he shot a plasma grenade into a tank.

Because real men, they don't swear when they shoot plasma grenades, and they don't wear spandex when they're doing that, and Deathlok is a real man, a man's man, even though he's a cyborg, and he won't wear tights, and if he is, then he's Not Deathlok.

Don't write Not Deathlok. Write Deathlok, Luther Manning, man's man, no tights, shooting things, not a metaphor for sexual dysfunction.

Follow these rules, or risk screwing up a character that is impossible to screw up if the rules are followed. Remember, no clowns juggling for men in tights, and you'll be fine.

If you aren't, then I'm around to pick up the pieces. As always, you have my email address, or can post messages here.

Zoombaboom Babies!

Dwight R. Vlahos