I Am Not Insane; "Gail Simone" Is A Creation of the Illuminati

I’m convinced, more and more, that everyone in the world is a moron except for me. The world makes sense in no way other than this, that everyone is a lunatic, except for me. But if everyone is crazy, and you are sane, does that make you insane? Yes, you are insane, but I am not insane. The ex-wife might disagree with this, but that’s why she’s the ex, because she is insane and I am not. Insanity is suggesting selling the collection when you’ve got a house payment. My solution was much simpler. As I explained to the skunk, we can always get a new house, but ****it woman, you don’t just FIND near-mint copies of the entire run of Charlton’s The Thing on e-bay every day of the week.

I’m not going to waste precious netspace with rantings about the skunk. She isn’t really worth the effort. I don’t think about her. Ever. At all. I’m done thinking about her. See, I’m not thinking about her right now at all. I’m not thinking about the time she put all of my old Archie Digests into a BOX and left them near the WATERHEATER where they developed a strange MOLD that probably caused my pneumonia. NOT, as the skunk used to say, because we kept the heat at 50 degrees to save money. Learn to wear a sweater woman; I don’t care if they make you look fat! It’s your fat that makes you look fat. I’m done thinking about her.

I exercised the demons of my ex with a(nother) Marvel proposal that went nowhere; Ex-Wives. Some read this proposal and said, "This is an attempt at crass-commercialism, trying to cash in on the exciting buzz of the X-Men movie by slapping X in front of a book and calling it good." Others said, "Is this more crap about your ex-wife?" To which I reply, "It isn’t crap if it sells."

Ex-Wives was aromatherapy. I used to squirt copious amounts of the skunk’s k-mart perfume near my desk before I started cranking on those proposal pages. For writers out there, this is amazingly effective. I’m considering sniffing some old army boots before I write start writing, "Amazing Soldier" again (for any fans out there, No, Sgt. Iron and Machete Woman are NOT getting back together--grow up, it’s just a comic). "Ex-Wives" was about the girls of the X-Men (Storm, Rogue, Shadowcat, Jean Grey, Emma Frost and Queen Iliandra) getting together to do woman things, like shop, bake, talk about the boys, that kind of thing, the kinds of things women do. They then take their sewing group to the next level, which is starting their own supergroup, bent on taking over the world. It would’ve been a company wide maxi-series crossover, with all of the women of Marvel becoming Ex-Wives, enslaving the men folks, and taking over the world (the kicker is when Reed Richards would’ve declared, "But Sue already rules my world!"). Anyway, the story would’ve ended with a new character I created called "The Man" who would come in, "romance" some of the key Ex-Wives, and show them all that the men-folks aren’t so bad, if you know what I mean (I’m with Joe Quesada, comics aren’t for kids, why should they be?). Anyway, I showed the proposal to some friends, they thought that the women seemed phony; I thought they were full of crap, and Marvel passed.

Anyway, strangely, begrudgingly, I discovered that my friends were right. The biggest problem with Ex-Wives was that I had no idea, really, what it was like to be an ex-wife. My imagination couldn’t fill in the gaps of what it was like to be a woman, devastated that their men, "don’t understand them anymore *sob sob*." I KNOW that I write realistic men. Sure, Sgt. Iron may only have half of his brain, two wooden legs and a prosthetic eye, but he’s a guy, and one that many guys can relate to (it’s metaphors, people, learn to read).

Now, I’ve read "Deadpool." I have a certain affinity for the character. Friends have told me before, "Dwight, you’re so much like Deadpool, it’s almost like I want to wretch every time I see your face." I understand what they mean ... it’s like, my spirit and his are so close, it’s scary ... a wise-cracking man of skill who doesn’t look to bad in tights, using guns to solve his problems. I mean, I don’t have the guns, nor do I have a healing factor, and I often think of great comebacks a few minutes after-the-fact, but I know what they’re talking about. I look GREAT in tights.

Now, "Gail Simone" gets this, and she’s writing a guy’s guy. When I’m reading Deadpool, I’m thinking, "Hey, that’s me. That’s me to a t." It’s like "Gail" is following me around, recording the things I would say, and then going back later and translating them into scripts. Of course, I don’t REALLY think I’m being followed (I have medication to help me with that). It’s metaphors, as I’ve said. Anyway, as I’ve finished issue #66, all I have to say is that there is no possible way that "Gail Simone" could be a woman, at least not the one writing Deadpool. A woman couldn’t write a guy that well.

I have a theory. I believe that "Gail Simone" is an internet creation, a pen name being used by a conglomerate of writers, much like William Shakespeare was really a pen name used by a group that was the precursor of the Illuminati to push their "agenda." I can’t prove that there is a "Gail Simone"/Illuminati connection ... my guts say that there is, because I cannot reconcile a woman writing a guy’s guy so well, when I know that guys can only write guys, and women can only write women. So, and I want this on the record, I’m going to be the first to say that "Gail Simone" is actually a creation of the Illuminati, being used as a mouth-piece for various sect members. There is no way that one writer could have such a broad range, especially if she’s a broad. You can take it from me, readers ... watch out for this "woman", especially if she’s writing the men. I’m going back to read everything that she’s written, and when I can decode some of it with my Illuminati handbook, I’ll post a report on the connection.

Anyway, for the folks out there, stick to what you know. I still think that, as a premise, "Ex-Wives" could make a great marvel comic, and is the kind of comic that I imagine women would go for in droves. Perhaps the new editorial board at Marvel now realizes this. It’s all about market expansion, Marvel Comics, you have to get the people into the shops, and some of those people are women. Boys, to get the girls into the shops, we need to be making things that they want, like a Wonder Woman easy bake oven, or Invisible Woman training bras, or She-Hulk tampons, that kind of thing. Woman stuff.

Anyway, I’m not ready to go back to that proposal now, but in the future, I’m all for it. All I need is the right woman to write the woman parts of the comic, because frankly, I don’t understand the woman parts all that well. If you’re a lady interested in breaking into comics, lets go have some coffee and talk about ourselves, and see if we can make a connection. As always, you have my email address or can post a message here.

Zoombaboom, babies!

Dwight R. Vlahos